Be Still My Beating Heart...
Oh, where to even begin? Sometimes, like right now, there is no perfect place to begin, so I'll start from where I remember; when I realized God was changing me.
Being raised in a Christian home, I always knew who God was and why I should love and serve Him. Why my parents love and serve Him, and family members and close friends; I would have even said I loved and served Him, too. But it wasn't real love; I realize it now. And it is not an easy pill to swallow.
There was a time as a little child that I genuinely thought I was saved, but there was not a deep conviction or true repentance behind it; I was like most children, I was afraid of hell and living for Satan. But I still was not living for God either. It was still all for me. Another hard pill to swallow.
Wow ... The many times over the years I have clung to Christ, or did for a small time, and when I felt okay again, spiritually and physically, I just kinda ... Stopped. I took over. I also failed and was increasingly weak; I needed God. But I did not want to admit it.
I've been having a deeply tough time with coming to truth, admitting I am weak and in need of God. Admitting my sin. Admitting my struggles. It's easier to hide your feelings with a smile, to shove them under the rug, to try and forget them. Bringing myself to the light, exposing myself to God ... It was not easy, and it still is not easy. However, everything I say to Him, everything I feel and am going through - He already knows. He already knew. He knows everything about me. He cares to know everything about me.
He loves me the same. There is no one like Him. There is no greater love like His.
God has grabbed my heart in the past few months and placed something deep onto my heart. The past year, if not longer, has been a staggering walk at looking at my future: What I want to do with my life; what is it that I am interested in?
It's been a reoccurring conversation with my family and friends. Decisions are something I hate to make. There are many things I am interested in - thankfully, I am not lacking with coming up with a thought... But narrowing down or prioritizing is not my best attribute. I end up spinning in circles, waiting like "spin the wheel" for it to stop on the arrow, and to know the direction I'm to take.
Kisses From Katie has encouraged me beyond words, and I know deep in my heart there is a reason I found the book last week, bought it, and began it right away. There is a reason, out of my list of over 20 books, I chose that one first.
My heart feels like it will explode to show and give love to those who have not been shown love. To care for those in need. And my prayer is that wherever, and whenever, and however, God will direct my path to complete the will He has set for my life.
I must become less. He must become more.
And to you, reader, if you do not know, and if you have not heard: JESUS LOVES YOU! With a strong, powerful, sweet, gracious, love! He knows every hair on your head, He knows your deepest thought! He cares about you; He hears every cry; He listens to your prayers and needs; He provides for you; and He died to save you from your sins.
I pray that if you do not know Him, that you will seek to know Him, love Him, and live for Him.
He stands waiting with His arms open wide for you.